Today I had a bit of a meltdown. But that’s ok right? Everyone has meltdowns don’t they? Toddlers don’t have a monopoly on meltdowns. Even the calmest, most serene, shit-together-having Mums have the odd meltdown. I guarantee it. Whether it’s a dramatic screaming and shouting or bursting into tears kind of meltdown, or just an internal ‘fuck this shit’ moment, I’m sure none of us are strangers to the Mummy meltdown. But as my sister said to me today ‘it’s ok to have a meltdown every now and then’, and I’m inclined to agree. Sometimes things just need to come to a head for you to have a realisation of something, in my case fitting cupboard locks is now my number 1 priority.
Let me explain.
This morning I was feeding Ernie upstairs in my bed, in the vain attempt to get him to have a nap in bed rather than in the sling like usual, just so I could get some things done while he slept. When it was clear that it wasn’t going to work out for me, I popped him in the wrap and headed downstairs, only to be greeted by Mabel and Greta playing on the kitchen floor with a tub of flour, Mabel had made a pile and was pouring water over it saying ‘look its a volcano!’ and Greta started excitedly shouting ‘I making sandcastles!’ when she saw me. Scattered across the kitchen was also 4 slices of bread, some mini marshmallows, a bottle of squeezy honey and various utensils. Now, most of the time I would not find this to be too big a deal, but this is not the first time something like this has happened to me, oh no. My kids have got form when it comes to conducting their own unsupervised messy play activity with the contents of the kitchen cupboards and this is actually probably the 5th time that I have had this particular lovely surprise. To be honest, it’s wearing a bit thin now. Add to that the times that they have raided my make up bag and the hair dye incident on Monday (I’ll explain another time, it’s still too raw), and I’m kind of feeling a bit FML.
So I’m standing there this morning, looking at my destroyed kitchen, with a grumpy (still not sleeping but needs to be) baby strapped to my chest, feeling rather helpless and wondering where the hell it all went wrong. I say ‘Guys! You know you’re not supposed to do this! If you want to do messy play you need to ask Mummy and we can do it in the black tray, not all over the floor!’ but internally I’m in full meltdown mode, and this is kind of how it went….
The 6 stages of a Mummy melt down
I can’t do this. I can not do this. I just can’t do this Mummy thing. I am a shit Mum and I wont listen to anyone who says otherwise. My house is a tip, my children are feral, I look a state, I haven’t even brushed my hair and the kids are already causing havoc! I have absolutely no control over this situation and there’s nothing I can do about it, I may as well just give up now.
Why on earth did I think I could handle three children under four? Why did I think I could do this? Will I ever be able to do this? Is it ever going to get easier? Will my house still look like a disaster zone in 5? 10? 15 years time? Why are they doing this to me? Is this a punishment from the universe for being an annoying teenager? I must have some really bad karma.
This is all my fault. And also, it’s Carl’s fault, he should be here helping me, how dare he go to work! And any other random family member I can think of, they are also somehow to blame, I hate them all. While we’re here, I also blame myself for Mabel’s unwillingness to go to pre-school and Greta’s eczema, because why not?
4. Reaching out
Message all of the above to my Mum/Sister/Husband/Bestie/whoever so they can tell me I’m not a shit Mum and I can 90% not believe them. Listen to them talking a bucket load of sense about kids being kids and me being human…..kind of believe them.
They are probably bored because they’ve been stuck in all week, I should make more of an effort to get them out but it’s been raining on and off and I’m so tired. I really need to sort my sleep out, this would not seem half as bad if I wasn’t so tired. I need to go to bed early tonight, for real this time. Once Ernie’s had his sleep, we’ll all tidy it up together and then we’ll do something fun. They’re just exploring their environment, I guess I should be pleased they are so inquisitive. This house needs toddler proofing though, we’ve lived here for 5 months now, cupboard locks are a priority.
This is not the end of the world, it’s an insufficiency of cupbord locks. It’s just a hard moment, in a tough week, during a tricky phase. Everyone has moments like this, I know because they’ve told me. Ernie won’t be 4 months and need me so much forever, in 2 months time we can start weaning! And I won’t have all 4 of them at home all the time for much longer, Mabel starts school in September!
It’s just a phase, it’s just a phase, it’s just a phase.
(7. Blog about it)
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